Grocery Store Guilt Trip

     Today I went to Publix to get some food. As I pulled into the parking lot I fixed my eyes upon the only thing I REALLY didn't want to see today. My palms got sweaty, my head started to hurt, I felt a weird tingly feeling in my anus (probably unrelated, I have Crohns and ate a HUGE bowl of ice cream).

     To my dismay, there was the only creature that makes me more nervous than the guy from To Catch a Predator. The Salvation Army donation collector. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN.

     Luckily today they were only staged at the main door, so instead of taking that nice front parking spot, I drove all the way around to the side of the parking lot to where I could sneak in the side door.

     Now don't get me wrong, I think charity is a great thing. I think people who donate are wonderful people. But DAMNIT. I am so sick of everywhere I go someone wanting money from me.

     "Would you like do give a dollar to doctors without borders?"

     "Hi, can you spare some money for breast cancer awareness?"

     "Good evening sir, would you like to donate to the Keep a Hooker off of the Street and Get Her Into School so hat She Can Raise Her 13 Crack Baby Children that I am Sure Contracted the Hiv just by Passing Out of that Horrendously Disgusting Stank Box fund?"

     There are many reasons that these people make me sad inside.

     First, I am not poor. I am not destitute, but I struggle. The reason I am not poor, is because I spend countless hours a week sweating my ass off, sometimes in intolerable pain, to make sure of it. I work hard for my money and there are plenty of bills that are on my counter that could use that dollar instead.

     Second, I cant stand these greeters. It is so hard to not make eye contact with them. When you don't donate, they make it so much worse by saying, "Thank you anyway, have a great Christmas and enjoy your cable TV."
      Ok they don't always say that, but they are so damn nice it is horrible.

     Another big reason that I don't like them is because all of the people that do have other charities, they still make feel obligated to be spontaneous and donate to not look like a cheap ass.

     I realize that I am probably the only one that thinks this way, but Jesus. Quit asking me for money, or to donate a candy bar to the troops. These companies make billions a year, why don't you cough up a damn Kit Kat.

     Again, I am not against charity and I would love to give back one day when I am in the position to do so. But right now, I want a new video game, so sorry  little baby who needs diapers. Its time to get a Sham Wow and learn how to ring it out.

     Selfishly,

     Jake